1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
I am a thinker. I think and analyze and then think some more. I try to figure things out.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking about changes that have occurred in my life over the past year. Moving across the country, job changes, school, finances, the list could go on. It has been a very trying and lonely year for me in many ways. I have struggled in very deep ways that I cannot even begin to share here. One thing is true though, my faith has been challenged and I have grown. For that I am thankful. Through the growth I have seen some things about myself that I despise. Things that have taken root over long periods of time that cannot be removed overnight…things that will have to be hacked away, piece by piece, struggle by struggle until the last trace is destroyed. Unchecked at any moment, they take hold and begin to grow again. With growth they put out new tendrils to reach other places in my heart and the roots spread. Add to these tangled roots the walls that are already in place, thick and high, and you have a near impossible place (or person) to reach…but everyone has a story.
This sounds depressing, but that is not my intention. This is my singular attempt to be vulnerable, something I don’t do well. Recently, while talking with a person, they said something along the lines of, “You don’t like people do you?” Yet, it was more a statement than a question. I laughed it off and joked with them, but honestly, it hurt a little. Not because there was no truth in it, but because there was. I never thought of myself as unloving, uncaring, or indifferent to others but if someone else sees that, there is a problem. So, I set off thinking and analyzing how they came to this conclusion and what I may have done or said to make them believe it. Thus my original point. High walls and tangled roots have left me impenetrable to others. Since no one can get in, they often spend very little time attempting it and I, in turn, also devote limited time to allowing others to get close to me. There are many reasons why I am this way…I have my story. Everyone has a story…
So…bear with me. Destroying walls and vines is tedious and difficult work. It takes time. I will probably give up a few times, get scared when the walls start falling and place some new bricks, close myself off, but I recognize the issue. Be patient…have mercy and grace. Everyone has a story….